Just Me

A variety of emotions
Spinning around inside my head
I’m my own worst enemy
To make my heart wind up dead

The memories chase away my thoughts
It feels like I’m sinking so low
I stare at my reflection
But I don’t see the girl I used to know

What I see is a transparent image
Disillusioned by a sense of hope
Drowning in a mist of tears
Her only way to truly cope

The life she leads is pitiful
Almost every night she sits up and cries
The pain eats away at every emotion
Forcing her to put on some false disguise

I push the ones I love away
By exposing my innermost thoughts
It’s like an avalanche takes over my soul
And I’m left feeling indescribably distraught

I want to disintegrate the hurt
So I speak of every heartwrenching emotion
Only instead I inflict it on other people
And my close relationships erupt in a commotion

I stand there looking in the mirror
Wondering how could this be me
Dripping with partial envy and disappointment
It’s as if I cannot see

Sure, everyone likes the fun-loving girl
But that part of her isn’t real
Her true self scares people away
Because she countlessly says what she feels

Her mind begins to race the most
While she’s lying in bed at night
So many thoughts and conversations
Ending in so many miserable disastrous fights

I wish I could say I’m sorry
For being so inappropriately out of control
I don’t know whether to blame it on my emotion
Or the fact I no longer feel completely whole

All the assumptions and accusations
This  self-absorption has to end
Look at all I’ve said to destroy
Every interaction I’ve had with my best friend

Gazing in the mirror
Her crimson face turns away
Blue eyes sunk so low
Blotting out miniscule shades of gray

She’s in way over her head
With all the dramatics circling around
The emotions rise to the surface
And then they crash right back down

Today I look in the mirror
Fully questioning what I see
Am I someone out of control emotionally
Or am I sadly just me